~:Faith's Ramblings:~

Fri, Nov 26, 2004

Mood:

Time: 1:34 a.m.
Listening to: Just a Prayer Away, Jaci Velasquez

**In You I find the strength I need, to live, to breathe. You're just a prayer away, no matter where I am. I know in my heart You're never too far, when I'm losing my way. My strength is in my faith.**

Those are just some of the lyrics to the song I'm listening to. It makes me smile, it's awesome how much God is for me. And you too. We tend to forget that He's always got an arm around us, He rejoices with us when we are joyful. He cries with us when we hurt. He loves us when we need loving, and even when we reject Him. That's something isn't it? It's such a foreign concept but it's so wow. I just thought I would share.

Today has been really interesting. In that I didn't really do much but I feel like I did a lot. Well I had my last Anthro 'midterm' today. It's weird how they call them all midterms but this is like a week and a half before the semester is done! I feel really bad because I missed the last CCC meeting, I really wanted to go but I totally did not study. So anyway, after I had a meeting with my I/O Psych group and then had lunch with Greg and Ams.

When we got home I was so looking forward to sleep, but then I saw Sars and Maki watching a movie, the first Harry Potter, and I was like...ah, I'll join you! So we watched that, with dozing in between. After that, Sars and I watched the second Harry Potter after which we watched an episode of CSI. After the movie and during CSI Sar and I had a good conversation about Jesus. I just feel sad that I probably wasn't able to answer her questions well enough. She had asked me about the deity of Jesus. But it was a good convo.

Then Megs, Sar and I watched Under the Tuscan Sun. Awww...such a cute movie. I love movies like that, it just really makes me sad to see sex done so indiscriminately. Sigh...giving up our bodies which are so holy to somethign that is so beautiful, but within the right contexts, is pretty sad. On the plus side, there was a baby!

After I cleaned the bathroom, except the floor which I will do later today. Now I'm just sitting here pretty tired, chatting with Maki over MSN and thinking about how I love Jesus. I'm able to get really nervous about a lot of things going on in my life, but I am going to trust in Him to come through for me. He always has, no reason to start doubting now.

**I want to go deeper and deeper with You**

Sat, Nov 20, 2004

Mood:
Time: 11:24 p.m.
Listening to: Freedom, Passion

I'm annoyed. I don't think people have the right to be rude when they don't need to be. But yea..I have a roomie who forgets that decency goes both ways. Dishes... today Jack is here. We were all in the kitchen searching for somethign to cook, and she says in this really snotty tone 'Ok you guys really have to start doing your dishes, cuz I have to get through yours to do mine. And I'm gonna go insane.' Right Megs, I DO ALL THE DISHES! Yesterday I got a shot...so I wasn't able to do them. I was going to anyways, but she did them cuz she knew my arm hurt. That was nice. And then today...yea. Sorry...I didn't leave any dishes in the sink. I washed the plate I used this morning so what is she talking about? I don't know. I can take that she said it...I cannot that she did it in front of Jack. It was so she could make us feel stupid in front of him. And I know he must have felt so weird. I don't care that she's in a bad mood cuz she is feeling but it is ridiculous to make someone who isn't always there feel uncomfortable. And then Sars comes out of her room (later) with this sour look on her face and grabs a glass for her water. Okay.,..I'm really really angry now. It's ridiculous how they make all the noise in the world and when we don't make talk as loud as they do she gets pissy! ARGH!!! On the positive side...spending time with Jack and Ams was fun. hehe they are so cute. We talked a lot..about weird topics...and about God. Yay Jesus!!

Tues, Nov 9, 2004

Mood:
Time: 5:41 p.m.
Listening to: Alive in This Moment, Starfield

**DISCLAIMER: This makes up for the week of no entries literally. It's Long, be prepared.**

You ever think about nothing and everything all at once? And wonder at the sanity of it all? I've been thinking about it all...my heart, my faith, my friendships, how much sleep I should be getting, school, the money that I need that I do not have, my friends, how to open this 10L jug of water....and the list goes on. As confused as that may sound it's completely clear in my head! Basically yes, I have been thinking a LOT.

I've been observing people a lot more. I guess it's because there are times when I feel like there are things I should see but I don't. Hurts, issues, attitudes. Some were brought to my attention, some not so much but I just see them. I see this attitude of selfishness in someone I love dearly. It's weird because this person can have so much more. Be so much more, and yet chooses to be this way. I don't know it's not a judgement, because God knows there are lots of things I have to change. The point of what I want to say is...when people talk about living a life that lets Jesus be seen in them, that's not working. It hurts me to see it happening, and then I see my own thoughts and I feel like such a hypocrite. Not necessarily selfishness, although I'll be honest and say that I do have some in me.

It's all these other things, and some of my own selfishness and my worries. It's a WOW moment, everytime I see it in me. I guess, what I drive at is the hurt I feel can only be a tiny measure of the hurt Jesus feels. At church on Sunday we sang 'Here I Am to Worship' and the line 'I'll never know how much it cost, to see my sin upon that cross' kept smacking me. It's weird how much I am aware of my sin and yet I still sometimes fall into it. It hit me hard how much I need to be aware of God in EVERYTHING I do. It's not easy, but He does say that His yoke is easy.

Yesterday at the Embassy we sang Cry in My Heart by Starfield. I have the lyrics on the Seek Him Notes page. They got to me, because of how much I seek, and yet when it gets easy to stray I do it! Sometimes it's unintentional, but I do. It's not because it's easy as much as it is how far I can go before I completely cross the line. I don't know if it makes sense. But I have to fight to keep on the path that He wants me to be on.

It's like there's the magnetic force on either side of the Path that follows God. When I'm right in the center of it, but when I start to edge closer to the seams of the road (so to speak) the magnetic force of the world tries to get stronger and stronger. And because I have faith and I love Him, I assume if I just set one foot out and keep one foot in I'll be fine. Haha...that's such a lie from the devil! Unfortunately I don't think I'm wrong in saying that it happens with all of us. You know how if we want to keep our muscles working, and stronger we need to eat right and exercise? I guess that's the point God wants to make to us. We can 'pretend' that we are the best Christians in the world. But unless we truly send time with Him, seek Him and His truth, read the Word, pray (akin to the nourishment of the right food and exercise)we are just half-way Christians. If we even let one iota of worldly ways enter outr hearts, we're going to fall deeper into it, and add to that the lack of Spiritual nourishment...we're gonners!

Searching Him out is one of the most important things we can ever do. If we're hiding behind our insecurities we're holding back from Him. If we've got questions about Him, we need to be asking those questions, otherwise we're holding back from Him. If we're lost, we need to start walking towards light, otherwise we're holding back from Him.

It's easy to think we're drawing near but it's just a thought, without the effort. We need to stop waiting around for a miracle to affirm what we want to know, we need to start searching for the answer TO ALL THE MIRACLES AROUND US. After all, do we not think? Seriously, evolution doesn't explain that. We wake up in the morning and we can laugh, cry, dance, hurt, love...evolution didn't do that. The flowers and the bees and the birds and the animals c'mon...seriously think about it. We have miracles EVERYWHERE. Find another excuse. Search, be active!

Tues, Nov 2, 2004

Mood:
Time: 11:17 p.m.
Listening to: Blink of an Eye, Mercy Me

Today I woke up feeling pretty blah. And the rest of the day was kinda blah. lol...such hope!

Anyway, I struggled a lot today. I know there was a lot of that sadness in my interactions with people but it just wouldn't go away. And then I went and made myself sadder. I have had this heaviness inside today. I later found out that Shaikh Zayed (bin Sultan al-Nahyan)died. Now, I spent a good chunk of my life in the U.A.E. And believe it or not, wherever you are from you build bonds to the place and certain figures who are important. Especially the decent ones, and Shaikh Zayed was one of those really special people. There was this kindness about him, and he was a good ruler. He was founder of the U.A.E and someone who made the place what it is. A lot of my past is associated with that. It really gets to me that people don't get that. Well, except for the other people I do know who know who Shaikh Zayed is and what he represents. It's hard, I may not life there anymore, but there is a part of me that will connect with the country. And mourn for it's losses, especially as huge a loss as Shaikh Zayed is. All the best to the crown heir and new ruler. Shaik Zayed will be missed.

I have been seeking God more strongly, and it really bothers me when I do things that hurt Him. It's so easy to do it too. I've been feeling really weepy today. I made choice to look to God and be a possibility thinker. To see the positives, not to let the beauty He has given to us go unnoticed. I've been finding that getting angry, being negative, just constantly and knowingly choosing to complain, be negative keeps me away from Him. He gives us so much and why should we always choose to ignore that and FIND something to make us miserable?

It's sucky cuz today when I was walking with Josh and Ams I was thinking about it. It's really disappointing that often I am around people who THRIVE on just being that way. It doesn't make them happy, but they WANT to be unhappy. And in turn it's like they try to suck out my joy. It's not the selfish part that I'm talking about, I'll be honest, I don't like it when people do that. But I look at them and I feel pity, or sadness for them. Today, I felt like that, I let that attitude suck out my joy. And then I let that get me to a place where I shouldn't have been. I cried today...just because I want to be with God, in His presence, and cuz I almost stepped away from it. And His love for me, it overwhelms me. In a good way, and it's awesome cuz I don't deserve it. But I have it, and I don't want to give it up!

It's election night! As of now Bush is leading 197 to Kerry's 188. I'm praying hard for Bush to win. I'm gonna spend some time praying about that now. And then I'm going to bed. *There's a reason I'm alive, for the blink of an eye*

Mon, Nov 1, 2004

Mood:
Time: 11:48 p.m.
Listening to: Beauty for Ashes, Shane Barnard

This past weekend was very busy, with the move and all. But, to be honest it was quite rewarding. I did stuff that I normally wait for the guys to do...like make the bed... as in put the planks and the ends together. Lift boxes that probably weigh more than me, and that's something!Haha, and I set up the hi-fi stereo, which was a little bit complicated for my 'talents'.

What I did miss was singing, and the music. It was kinda weird how desperate I felt to hear music. I got my mom to let me go and set up the kitchen while they were waiting for the movers so I could sing out loud and pray. Well..I didn't exactly tell her that but I said I would wait there to direct traffic when the furniture came in. Then we went to bed around 1-ish not counting the daylight savings time. I was looking forward to KRT on Sunday. But in the morning, My brother didn't have clothes for church, my mom was pretty tired and at the same time it was like I dunno I can't explain it. I spent the morning praying in bed. I had a conversation with Ams and Ry about this, but I knew that I couldn't really explain it ( like I can't now) and it really frustrated me that I couldn't. And Ams' usual acerbic comments didn't help. Frankly I'm a little annoyed by it. But then I'm just gonna ignore it. It's my issue.

Today at the Embassy was nice, I think some of this sermon was from one that was done last year. But then there was stuff that was needed to be heard. And it was really nice to spend time with Jenna. Josh came to the terrace for dinner with us all. I'm glad he wants to come hang out. You know what, God is working in our lives so wonderfully, and at the same time, it's also very quietly. I can't wait to see what He's bringing into play. *Our God is an awesome God*